Metallic

I thought my world revolved around him.

“Hey, you think it will open tomorrow?”
“I don’t know.”
“…”
“What?”
“Is it this time of the month already?”
“What the hell’s wrong with you, so early in the morning?”
“Oh, nothing…you and your melodramas. What? Did the morning breeze bought you nostalgia that left you hanging in that blissful state; you’d want to kill yourself?
“I can do that. Just ask. I’ll do it. For you.”
“No.”
“No what?”
“Don’t. Don’t ever go. I’ll kill you if you want! But don’t leave me alone!”

My world.

“Freak.”
“Do you love me?”
“Yes.”

Someday I’ll remove that smile. Someday I’ll breathe. Someday I’ll be the one to speak. Someday you’ll listen. You’ll listen without a voice to stop me.

We’ll bleed and we’ll die.
Together.

“Let’s go there!”
“Where?”
“In that place. Ahhh…you forgot! You promised!”
“We’ll go after I got off work.”
“I have to wait until evening then. It’s boring here.”
“I have to work or otherwise we’ll starve. We have to keep our eyes placed in that socket.”
“Well…I can always eat you.”
“Try me.”

There are times when he is such a brat. Sometimes, I want to tie him up so he can stop torturing me. His whims are unstoppable. His pleads are those that I can never say no. But to think about it, I’m the only one who doesn’t want to stop his little charade of pleasures.
I always want him happy.
But I hate his smile.
That smile that tells I’m forever a prisoner.

“Hey, you know that colleague that I mentioned the other day? He’s an interesting person. He also likes collecting plaster models of random models from art studios. We went to this exhibit near our work place. Then we drove to his apartment where he showed me his collection—a huge collection! Mine wasn’t even half of what he already has!”
“Really?”
“Yes. That was a really cool place. Frankly, I was getting a little envious.”
“Such an interesting person...”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Can we eat?”
“Didn’t you cook?”

I’m a prisoner.

“Fuck you! You were really flirting the whole day and I’m left here the whole day starving! Fuck you! Jerk!”
“I wasn’t flirting!”
“You were! With that plaster-fanatic that you enjoy hanging out with! You’re sucking up, aren’t you? Is he your boss? Tell me! You’re fucking that bastard, aren’t you? Aren’t you?!”
“No, I wasn’t. If I was, what will you do?”
“I knew it. You want me out of your life. I’ll kill myself…I’ll really kill myself...I am of no use to you. You don’t want me here. You found someone better!”
“He did not replace you. No one will replace you.”
“I’m not enough. Worthless...worthless…”
“You’re special. Shhh…I’m home. I’m home. I’ll always be here.”
“Don’t leave…they’ll come and get me… they’re coming! AHHHHHHH!!!”
“Please…I’m here…I’m here…”

When I met him, I felt my world brighten. There was a new and brimming light to follow.

His attitude was that of a leader; his every decision, solid and convincing. I followed him around like a dog…like a dog, I obeyed his every order. And he trusted me. I became an important figure in his life, just as he shone more brightly by the days. Like a fire, that rapidly spreads itself in my heart.

I knew.
I was in love.

It was freezing outside and the town was cover in plain white.

“You’re acting strange. Is something wrong?”
“No.”
“After this big fight, will you still follow me?”
“I will. I have no other purpose in life.”
“A purpose in life… It’s been a while since I’ve thought of something so serious such as a ‘purpose in life’.”
“I would be nothing now, if it wasn’t for your guidance.”
“Ahaha! You like me that much?”
“I do.”
“I like you too!”

A joke.
My confession was a joke.

Even though my feelings were in vain, I wanted to stay with him. Even after the turning point of our lives,

We were both involved in a big gang fight. Most of our members died by stabs and gunshots and our enemies almost run out of members too.

But in war, nobody is a winner.
We all lost.

“How is the medication going?”
“Not good.”
“Isn’t he recovering?”
“Sometimes there are responses. But relapses are more frequent visitors.”
“You can’t forever take the responsibility.”
“He’s mine. He’s my responsibility.”
“He’s not—.”
“It was my fault. I didn’t even try to stop it. I could have. I could have.”

What I couldn’t say, was what I thought…
That time.
When he died.

“Hey…it’s a full moon, can we walk outside?”
“Are you sure you can?”
“Yes. I can. I won’t be burden, I promise.”

We walked in silence, as if time intended to make it slow for us to savor. But I didn’t want it. The more that he is near me, the more I want him to possess what he already lost.

I could hear every step we take, in that grassy piece of land. In a range, a railroad could be seen. The familiar sound of a train crossing, field my ears. It was early spring but my sweat drips at the corner of my face. I stared across an empty field as if some fantastic show is being played.

I smiled when I saw what it was.
They were killing him.

“We’ll catch a cold if we stay out too long. Let’s go back, I’m tired.”

I can hear an echo…as if a person is talking to me from the end of the tunnel. It was unclear and my vision was slowly being pre-occupied of the time that he died.

Such a noble man, we thought. I dare say, many vied for his attention the same way I wanted it.

I wanted his death.
But a few others did it for me.

I ran as far as I could to catch three anonymous faces that started to beat him down and carried him to a remote area north of our post. They were just across me and I could jump into their spot and crop their faces out, but instead, I froze.

I froze in my spot and I smiled.
My hands trembled together with my heart that was beating so fast.
I could see them kill him…slowly…painfully.

He cried. I know he cried. He stared back at me with longing. He looked so fragile being in that position.

As he shook and struggled…
Pleaded and screamed…
He was beautiful.

Beautiful.

“If I take my leave, would you deny it?”
“No.”
“I’m yours.”
“Always.”

I wanted to seize it. Fortune granted it to me. If I may have the chance to repeat the events that took place, I would choose to change it. I never asked for this to grow in the dark, yet it was willed to happen.

Now, he’s mine--- After his death---But he remains dead and rotting with me.

“AHHHH!!! Let go of me! Help me! Help…help me…”
“Shhh…it’s alright. I’m here.”
“In that dark place I saw you…you were a light, but immobile. You do not shine and unreachable.”

His cries are getting more and extreme. Banging his head in the wall helps though it’s dangerous. Yet I do not understand why he still smiles and cradles in the corner every time. I always have to compromise.

Maybe I am sick.
We both are.
And I am dead as he is.

I will live as Sisyphus in this loop I created.

“Do you know the taste of blood?”
“Bitter? Sweet? Addicting?”

Metallic.
Unexplainable.
Like us, in our own world.